


520FM

by hoeunki



Series: plum blossom and the orchid [11]
Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood Friends, Feelings, Idiots in Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Neighbors, Pining, Romance, Some Humor, lots of pining, radio shows, window conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21671776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoeunki/pseuds/hoeunki
Summary: it's been rainy these days, the perfect weather to curl up in bed with a cup of tea and binge your favorite TV show. but for now, let's take a moment and listen to a story. a story about a poor fellow who was head over heels for his childhood friend, the boy next door. he loved him with his entire being, but he could never find the right words, the right time to confess to him. it's a bit long winded, so let's listen to a song first. this one's a personal favorite...now playing: radio romance by nct u
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Series: plum blossom and the orchid [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1204183
Comments: 43
Kudos: 271





	520FM

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lovelight (Delenaley)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delenaley/gifts).



> for del. without you (chinese version), this fic would've never happened. thank you for throwing ideas around with me, for encouraging me when I was tired and demotivated. it took a while for me to finish this because I wanted it to be good. maybe not perfect, but good. I really can't express how grateful I am to you. I love you. 
> 
> and for luren nation: this is a little different from what I usually write. a LONG FIC with lot less fluff and more pining written from yukhei's pov too?? what a surprise, right? but I had a lot of fun with this one and I hope you guys like it too. i'm kinda proud of myself.

_"...and that was the last message of the day. Thank you all for submitting your stories, I really love hearing them. Remember you can drop by the broadcasting building anytime and slip a request into our mailbox! Stories, concerns, anything. I'm gonna end tonight off with a chill song titled 'Easy' by Mac Ayres. While you listen to this song I want you to think about someone you love, someone you care about. Tomorrow, tell them how much they mean to you._

_"Thank you for tuning into Dream Launch Radio. Catch us again every Monday and Thursday night, 11pm to 12am. This is your captain Xiaojun, wishing you a safe journey into dreamland."_

As the first few bars of the song begins to play, Lucas rolls off his beanbag and looks out the window. Yellowish light from the bedroom across shines into his own darkened room and Lucas spots the boy next door doodling on his iPad. He's on his bed, feet in the air, wearing socks with giraffes on them. 

Lucas ponders Xiaojun’s words as he listens to the smooth voice crooning on the radio.

_I've been good_

_For some time_

_I'd be lying if I said that_

_You ain't on my mind_

Huang Renjun came barreling into young Lucas' life at the tender age of five, a cute little boy with rounded cheeks and stubby fingers and a voice that was kind of whiny. They met because Renjun had accidentally dropped one of his toys into Lucas' backyard and bumped into him during his attempt to rescue it. They subsequently bonded over their shared taste in cartoons, spicy food, flowers, and love for Lucas' mother's homemade egg tarts. Lucas and Renjun became fast friends who always sat and ate lunch together, shared their food, and walked the same route home every day (when they were old enough to do it alone, of course). 

Many years have passed since then, and Renjun's cheeks are no longer full of baby fat. He's slimmer now, jawline more prominent, and wears retainers to sleep because of his snaggletooth. But he's still cute. Possibly even cuter than he was a child. Definitely more attractive, Lucas thinks, mind zeroing in on the way he bites his thumb in concentration. 

_I can say that loving you is easy_

_I don't need to prove a single thing_

_Somewhere along the way_

_I guess you got under my skin_

Renjun looks over and makes eye contact with Lucas. His months long quest to grow his hair out is finally bearing fruit, dark locks tied back in a tiny ponytail. Lucas amends his thoughts. Renjun isn't just cute or attractive. He's _beautiful._

Between their window hangs a makeshift telephone that consists of two tin cans and a piece of stolen string. If you asked Lucas where they stole it from, he wouldn't be able to remember. What's more memorable are all the late night conversations about conspiracies, the rants about frustrating family members or homework deadlines. All the evenings that Lucas and Renjun spent talking about anything and everything.

He sees Renjun pick up the can on his end. Instantly, Lucas reaches for his one and lifts it to his ear. 

"It's late, Xuxi." _Xuxi._ It's a name reserved for his parents and Renjun only. "Why are you still awake?" 

"I was listening to the radio," he answers. It's a ritual for him to listen to Dream Launch Radio, and not because he does it out of obligation to his best friend, but because it helps him sleep. Dejun has such a mellow, dreamy voice, and Lucas feels like a child whenever he listens to him read stories.

Renjun presses his phone to check the date. “Oh yeah, it’s Thursday.” He sets the can down and gets up off the bed, taking a seat in front of the window. He has two rectangular windows, each with a pane that slides up. They only ever communicate through the right window because the left one is covered in gel stickers that they made as kids and never bothered to take off.

With a grunt (Lucas doesn't hear it but he knows the sound), Renjun opens the window and leans out, arms crossed on the sill. 

Lucas unlocks the latch and pushes his window open. It's the kind that has two panes that swing outwards and hinges that creak if he opens it too wide. He reaches for his lamp and switches it on so that Renjun can see his face.

"Do you have class tomorrow?" The elevation of their street puts Renjun on higher ground, so Lucas is always looking up at a slight angle. 

Lucas nods. "Yep. 8am class. You?"

The cool wind rustles the leaves on the tree that grows between their houses. Renjun catches a stray leaf that drifts off a branch and turns it over in his palm. 

"Unfortunately. My bike's at the repair shop so I was wondering if-"

"You wanna ride on the back of mine?" It's a little pathetic, how easily he offers things to Renjun. If Yangyang were here, he'd tease Lucas for being so whipped.

Renjun brightens. "Really? You're a lifesaver." His phone buzzes and he reaches for it, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear before he answers the text.

"Anything for you," Lucas whispers. 

"Hm?"

"I didn't say anything."

Xiaojun's advice lingers in the back of his mind. _Tomorrow, tell them how much they mean to you._

One day, Lucas tells himself, he'll work up the courage to say it louder for Renjun to hear. One day he'll be brave enough to confess to the boy that he'd give his entire heart to, the boy he's been in love with since they were ratty teens going through puberty (and maybe even before that). 

Renjun pulls away from the frame and tugs the window halfway down. "See you in the morning, Xuxi."

Lucas smiles. "Goodnight, Junnie."

And just like that, they part ways for the night. Lucas turns his radio off and curls up in bed, holding his giant stuffed panda bear close and burying his face in its neck. Sometimes, he wishes to be able to hold Renjun like this too. Listen to his pretty voice as he sings a lullaby. Rub a hand down his back. Soothing, gentle, warm.

These are the thoughts that occupy his sleep-addled brain as he slowly loses consciousness. 

Their university campus is only a twenty minute bike ride from their neighborhood. An added passenger increases that to about thirty, depending how bad the traffic is and the amount of risk Lucas is willing to subject Renjun to. They've been scolded by their mothers on multiple occasions about the dangers of standing on the backs of bicycles, but their track record is still pretty clean.

(Except for the time Renjun's sling bag nearly fell off his shoulder and caused Lucas to swerve into a tree. He invested in a front basket after that.)

Renjun squeezes Lucas' left shoulder as they wait at a crossing. "Remember that thing I asked you about sunflowers the other day?" 

The traffic light flickers green and Lucas starts cycling again. "You wanted to know if sunflowers rotated in the night because they supposedly follow the sun every day."

"Yeah. Well apparently, only young sunflowers do that. They turn their heads to follow the sun and at night they return to their original position so they can do it all over again the following day. Fully grown sunflowers face the east."

"Because that's where the sun rises?"

"I don't remember." Lucas chuckles and Renjun hits him lightly. 

If Lucas were a sunflower then Renjun is his sun, warm and radiant. Much like the flowers that track the movement of the giant star, Lucas' gaze trails Renjun wherever he goes. Not to say that Renjun's presence demands attention because it doesn't, not with how he prefers to stay on the edges of any social gathering, never speaking up in class even though he knows the answer.

But that doesn't stop Lucas from gravitating towards him. It never has. To him, Renjun is a gemstone that glimmers with subdued beauty, like an oyster with an abrasive exterior but a delicate, intricately crafted treasure on the inside.

They turn into the south entrance of their campus and come to a stop beside one of the residential halls. Renjun hops off the back and walks with Lucas to the bike rack. As soon as the lock is in place, Renjun pinches Lucas' cheek then tiptoes slightly to press his lips against the same spot. It's a peck, nothing more, but it has Lucas' heart rate speeding. 

"I'm having lunch with Nana and the rest so don't wait for me, okay?"

He doesn't trust his mouth to respond coherently so he simply nods. Renjun waves goodbye and walks off, leaving Lucas alone to calm down. 

_Get a grip, Wong._

Dejun’s face is on the desk when Lucas walks into their Audio Journalism class. His right hand is stretched out, clutching his daily matcha latte. Lucas slips into the seat beside him and thumps his friend on the back, receiving a drawn out groan in response. 

“Never again will I sign up for an 8am module after radio nights. Worst decision of my life.” He lifts his face off the table and there’s a reddish spot on his forehead. Lucas reaches up to rub it.

“I thought you said becoming friends with Yangyang was the worst decision of your life.”

Dejun takes a long, noisy sip. “You’re right. This is the second worst.” He stares at Lucas for a minute and frowns. “You have that expression on again. Did Renjun do something?”

“I–” Lucas knows there’s no use in denying. Dejun has a strangely acute sixth sense when it comes to reading people’s emotions. Especially Lucas’. “He kissed me on the cheek."

“Let me guess: you didn’t do anything afterwards and watched him walk away.” 

Lucas nods sadly and Dejun rolls his eyes. They've had many a conversation about Lucas' crush on Renjun, most of which have ended in Dejun giving up and brewing himself a pot of tea to cool off. 

"I just don't think it means anything," Lucas says. Renjun's been kissing him on the cheek ever since they were kids. It's a purely platonic gesture. Always has, always will be. No matter how much Lucas wishes that it might be a hint of something more.

Dejun doesn't answer and reaches down into his bag to get his laptop. He's usually grumpy in the mornings but mellows out towards lunch so this behavior is expected. Lucas senses a little frustration creasing the radio DJ's perfect eyebrows and decides not to mention Renjun for the rest of the lesson. 

"Who even gives platonic cheek kisses anymore? He's not your fucking mother." 

They're in the common kitchen of Yangyang's dorm hall, cooking ramen like the broke college kids they are. Lucas is working on the scallions and Yangyang's just sitting on the counter, listening to Lucas' situation as he tries to catch a Poliwhirl on his phone.

"Language," Dejun warns from his spot by the stove.

Yangyang flips him off. "Kiss my ass, Dejun."

A murderous glint flashes across Dejun's eyes but he channels his irritation into the food instead, stirring the noodles with a sudden aggression. Lucas hands the chopped vegetables to Denjun and turns back to Yangyang.

"So you're saying that there's a possibility that Renjun's kisses are not entirely platonic."

Yangyang waves his hand. "Look. I don't know what his motivations are. Hell, I barely know the dude. But I'm just saying, if a guy constantly kisses you on the cheek whenever you do something nice for him, then a) he's overly affectionate and this is his love language or b) he's playing mind games with you."

The term 'love language' triggers a very specific memory in Lucas' head.

_They’re sitting in Renjun's room after school, snacking on Cheetos and homemade cookies and watching old Spongebob episodes. Lucas picks up a heart shaped cookie and stares at the hot pink icing, remembering something he'd just learned in class the other day._

_"Hey Renjun, what's your love language?" he asks._

_The younger boy looks at him, confused. After a whole ten seconds he replies,_

_"You mean like French?"_

_Lucas nearly passed out from laughing that day._

_(“Love languages, Jun. Not romance languages.”_

_“How was I supposed to know,” Renjun huffs, ears pink with embarrassment.)_

After spending many years with Renjun, Lucas deduced his love language to be a mix of quality time and acts of service. He can see it in the way he devotes his time to people, like when he rushed over to Donghyuck's apartment at 11pm to bring him ice cream after his ex-boyfriend dumped him over text. Or the way he does simple things such as cooking Lucas chicken soup when he gets sick.

But being touchy is more of Lucas' language. He prefers to hug people and hold their hands. So cheek kisses? Definitely not part of Renjun's usual repertoire. It confuses Lucas, baffles him to no end. Renjun's an enigma with a seemingly endless amount of mysteries to solve. 

Yangyang pokes him with his big toe. "So are you hanging around tonight? They still haven't assigned me a roommate so I'm assuming I get the whole room to myself." 

"Nah," Lucas replies, pouring himself a glass of milk. "I've got plans tonight." 

Dejun shuts the stove off. "Tell Renjun I say hi."

"Will do–hey, I never said anything about Renjun."

Yangyang looks unimpressed. "You didn't need to."

Stargazing in the city is difficult. Renjun and Lucas' neighborhood is situated on the outer edges of the bustling center but the light pollution still blocks the view. Other times there are too many clouds in the way, and both of them end up huddled in one of their rooms for an impromptu movie night. 

Renjun's roof is angled better and actually has space for them to spread a blanket and lie down on, so Lucas has to cross the gap to get there. They solved this issue years ago by placing a plank between their roofs and hammering it in so that it doesn't slip from beneath Lucas' feet one day and sends him plummeting two stories down. 

He finds Renjun wearing his favorite yellow hoodie and some white shorts, staring up at the sky with a bowl of cherries in hand, chewing thoughtfully.

"You look like an egg," are the first words that Lucas greets him with. He winces internally. Probably not his best opening line.

Renjun looks down at his outfit and chuckles. "Oh wow. I never noticed. Did you know that the number of pleats in a chef's hat represents the number of ways they can cook an egg?"

Lucas blinks. "That's… actually really interesting."

Renjun beams and pats the space next to him. Lucas settles down and their knees bump together. It's a clear night tonight; hardly any clouds obscuring. There are only a handful of stars, twinkling like minuscule diamonds.

Lucas invites Renjun to lie down and they do, heads resting on their arms as they stare up at the heavens. They talk about their day, what modules they're taking this semester, what they had for lunch. Renjun tells him about the stray cat that hangs around the design building and how it had snuck into one of the studios and knocked over paint bottles. In turn, Lucas prompts a discussion on media censorship in Russia, something he's been reading up on lately. 

Renjun's always content to listen to Lucas, which is reassuring for a chatterbox like himself. But Lucas knows that when Renjun gets passionate about a topic, his eyes will sparkle with excitement and he'll go on for hours until he gets tired. 

These are his favorite moments because it feels like there's nothing else in the world that matters. Just the two of them, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, having pointless discussions and unravelling the universe one conversation at a time. 

Lucas looks over at Renjun and sees that his eyes are closed. He looks serene, chest rising and falling with each slow breath. His lips are stained a deep red from having eaten all those cherries and Lucas wonders how it would feel like to kiss him right here, right now. 

Renjun opens his eyes and Lucas turns his head quickly to avoid being caught staring. The smaller boy sits up and pulls the cherry bowl closer. Lucas peers into it; there are two left. 

"Did you know," Lucas says, picking a cherry, "That if you can tie a knot with the cherry stem it means you're a good kisser?"

Renjun tilts his head. "That's strange." 

"Yeah. I tried it once but I failed miserably," he confesses. Yangyang was the one who told him about it and they spent a whole evening trying it out. Only Dejun succeeded, and Yangyang had promptly lost his shit. 

Never one to back down from a good challenge, Renjun pops the cherry in his mouth. Lucas does the same and spits the pit out before moving the stem around with his tongue. He folds it in half and tries to make a loop to push one of the ends it but it doesn't work and he gives up after a minute or so. 

"It's so difficult, I have no idea how anyone could-"

Renjun holds out a hand to silence him. Lucas watches, speechless, as he bares his teeth and pulls the stem out with his forefinger and thumb. Sure enough, there's a knot sitting in the middle of the cherry stem. 

A part of Lucas is speechless because it took Dejun hours to do it and Renjun just nailed it in one go. The other part is extremely flustered because wow that was lowkey really hot and Renjun has this smug smile on his face that he's never seen before. 

"H-how…" Lucas stammers, and Renjun shrugs nonchalantly.

"I guess I have some unexpected talents." For the second time in the span of five minutes, Lucas is stunned silent as Renjun _winks_. 

Renjun stands up and takes the cherry bowl full of pits and stems with him. He pats Lucas on the head and wishes him sweet dreams as he climbs down into his bedroom, leaving Lucas to panic at the idea of Renjun kissing other people. 

How did he do it so easily? Did he have experience making out? Was he just born talented at everything? 

Lucas wastes no time, dashing back over the wooden plank and swinging himself down into his bedroom. He glances across but Renjun's not in his room, probably downstairs washing the bowl or something. Lucas flops on his bed and urgently dials a number.

The line picks up and Lucas blurts, "Have you seen him kiss any boys lately? Or ever?"

On the other end of the line Dejun rubs his eyes, slightly annoyed at having been woken from his slumber. 

"Who?" 

"Renjun," Lucas answers. "He tied the damn cherry stem like it was a shoelace."

A sigh floats over the receiver. "Yukhei, I love you, but please don't call me at midnight. We can talk in the morning."

"But-"

"Talk to Yangyang." And with that, the line clicks and all Lucas hears are repeated beeps from Dejun hanging up on him.

Lucas smacks his forehead. Dejun likes to sleep early on non-radio days. He considers calling Yangyang as per Dejun's suggestion but the kid's probably gaming or at a party. 

In his peripheral vision, Renjun enters his bedroom again. He moves around for a bit, packs his bag, rifles through his closet for an outfit to wear tomorrow. Not wanting to be creepy, Lucas opens his laptop and queues up a couple of random cooking videos to get his mind off things (read: Renjun's tongue). An advertisement comes on so he picks up his phone to remove notifications, and it's only when the woman starts speaking that he notices the title of the first recipe.

Cherry cheesecake. 

Lucas buries his head into a pillow and groans.

Yangyang is incredulous when Lucas tells him about the Cherry Knot Incident. They're sitting in Dejun's dorm room (he has a single room because he prefers having his own space for playing on his keyboard), working on assignments. At least, Lucas and Dejun are working. Yangyang's doing some online shopping.

He swivels around in Dejun's chair, nearly knocking over one of the succulents balancing precariously on the bookshelf. "Huang Renjun tied a knot in a cherry stem?" Lucas nods and Yangyang lets out a low whistle, clearly impressed. "Interesting." 

He pauses before sighing, "I mean he probably gets practice in the art studios." 

"Yeah probably," Lucas nods, tucking his finished worksheet into his laptop case.

_Wait a second._

Lucas' head snaps up. What did Yangyang just say?

The kid's turned his attention back to the laptop but there's a shit-eating grin dancing on his face. Lucas grabs Yangyang's arm. "You're joking, right?" When Yangyang ignores him, he shakes it frantically. "Liu Yangyang. Please tell me you're messing around."

His heart is hammering at the idea of Renjun having a scandalous moment in the middle of the art studios with a mysterious stranger. Hair mussed and cheeks pink, a button undone, chest heaving as he pants—Lucas shakes the scene out of his head. 

But Yangyang isn't done. "I think I saw him with this hot dude by one of the lockers last week." He hops onto the bed, pushes Dejun's notebook out of the way and climbs onto the aforementioned boy's lap. Dejun frowns as Yangyang cups his face. 

"Thanks for helping me on my _project_ ," Yangyang whispers seductively. He buries his face into Dejun's shoulder and proceeds to make extremely obscene moaning noises.

Lucas thinks he's about to have a heart attack.

Dejun groans and pushes Yangyang off him. Lucas spots a hint of red on his cheeks but he doesn't comment as his friend grabs his notebook and ducks his head. "Yangyang, stop it. Yukhei's gonna faint," he mumbles.

Yangyang rolls onto his back, laughs turning into wheezes as he clutches his stomach and guffaws. He takes a minute to catch his breath and reaches for Lucas' hand. 

"Relax, loverboy. I'm just teasing." A wave of relief washes over Lucas and he slumps over Yangyang's stomach. 

Dejun and Yangyang are like the tiny angel and devil on Lucas’ shoulders. The ones who bicker at every second, constantly at each other's throats with sarcastic retorts and backhanded compliments. But Lucas knows they’re not-so-secretly very fond of each other; the way Dejun doesn't pull away when Yangyang mindlessly plays with his fingers is _extremely_ telling. 

After a couple of minutes of lounging around and not getting anything productive done, Yangyang gasps.

“Oh man,” he says, sitting up quickly and wriggling out from underneath Lucas. “I totally forgot to tell you guys. There was an error with my roommate’s housing application so he’s moving in today and I promised to meet him to help unpack.”

Dejun looks up, curious. “What’s his major?”

“Uh,” Yangyang thinks as he packs his things away (read: shoves everything into his backpack), “Dance, I think. I’ll bring him to lunch tomorrow so you can meet him.” He bids the two a hasty farewell and leaves the room. 

When the door closes, the room is quiet. Lucas turns to Dejun with a cheeky smile. 

"So. You and Yangyang, huh?"

"Shut up or I'll broadcast your crush on Renjun to the entire school."

_“The title of this letter: ‘old-fashioned love.’ “How do you tell someone that you like them? There’s this senior that I’ve had feelings for since we met at orientation camp and she was one of the facilitators. She’s smart, pretty, and way out of my league. Not to mention we only interact once in a blue moon when I notice her in the hallways, and even then I barely have the guts to say hi. Do you think I should write a sappy message or bring her flowers? Is that too lame? Maybe I’m just an old-fashioned kind of guy.”_

_Wow, this is definitely a predicament I think a lot of our other viewers relate to. I certainly do. Sometimes you fall in love with a stranger, a classmate, the cute barista, or even the boy next door. But how do you express your feelings? How do you confess? How can you tell if they like you back?”_

Lucas is lying on his bed, listening to Dejun answer his viewers’ messages as he browses through some news articles. Dejun’s radio persona is a lot more calm and collected than real-life Dejun. He knows exactly what to say and rarely misses a beat. But hearing a familiar voice on the radio can be weird, because sometimes Lucas feels like Dejun is speaking directly to him.

_“My advice is this: there’s no ‘perfect’ way of confessing to someone. You could do it with twenty balloons, or a musical number, whatever. But there’s a time for everything. You can’t sit around and wait, agonising over what their reaction will be. Otherwise you lose the momentum. And if you’re really unlucky, someone else might come along and sweep them off their feet before you can.”_

The music that follows on the radio fades into background noise as Lucas looks over at Renjun. He has earphones in, laughing as he chats to somebody. 

Lucas feels like he's in a teenage romcom, except he's passed the high school stage and they're still not together. Suddenly, like a film reel rewinding, he sees Renjun trying his graduation robes on, scarlet silk swishing around his calves. Then Lucas blinks and sees him wearing his periwinkle suit getting ready for prom, white carnation tucked into his breast pocket. One more blink takes him back to the present moment, Renjun in his rainbow polka-dotted socks and plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows. 

_Tell him,_ is what the mini Yangyang on his left shoulder says to him, _has_ told him millions of times before. 

_You can do it,_ says the Dejun on his right. _Don't be afraid._

Whenever Lucas wants to confess, his throat closes up. He gets nervous and jittery and sweaty and despite his extensive vocabulary in multiple languages, words seem to completely fail him. Eventually, almost like clockwork, he chickens out and retreats, comforting himself with a reassurance that there will always be another chance to try again. 

The words from Xiaojun's letter echo in his mind and the air-conditioning seems colder than usual, like a foreboding wind of warning. He pulls his blanket higher over his shoulders, hoping to sleep off the strange, unnerving feeling brewing in his stomach.

Lucas doesn't sleep well that night.

"Did you listen to Dream Launch?" 

Dejun and Lucas are on their way to the cafeteria, walking along the stone path that winds around the botany club's herb garden. It's a nice day out, with puffy white clouds and bright blue skies. Lucas feels lucky.

"Dude, I'm like your number one fan. Of course I listened to it." 

This earns a 'hmm' of approval from Dejun as he holds the door open for Lucas. A rush of cold air greets them as they step in. "So you must've heard my advice," Dejun says. 

Yangyang's sitting at their usual table, hunched over his phone with his earphones plugged in. "The confession thing?" Lucas asks as they make their way around tables and chairs. "Yeah, that guy really needs to step his game up."

Dejun snorts. "Don't you think it kind of sounds like a very familiar predicament?"

Lucas pokes Yangyang's ear and sits down beside him. He's aware of Dejun's tone, it's sarcastic and condescending and he knows that he's referring to Lucas' Renjun Problems. But Renjun isn't some dude that he fell in love with at first sight. He's his childhood friend. It's completely different when you're harboring feelings for a person you have years of history with. So for the sake of being stubborn he looks into Dejun's eyes, crosses his arms, and gives him a very firm, "No. Not in the slightest."

Yangyang pulls his earphones out. "Hendery said he'll be here in about five minutes. He's helping some guy carry shit."

"Hendery? That's your roommate's name?" For some reason, Lucas pictures a guy brewing a pot of earl grey. "He sounds fancy."

Yangyang shrugs. "He's from Macau and came in wearing Gucci shoes, so his dad might run a casino."

Scratch the earl grey. This guy is definitely a hypebeast. He's about to ask more about this Hendery when Dejun interrupts. 

"Yang," he says, "If you had a crush on someone, how would you let them know?"

Lucas rolls his eyes. "I knew you'd be up my ass about it." When Dejun starts on something, he can get really pushy and won't let go of it. Maybe it's because Lucas woke him up two nights ago. Yeah, that's probably why he's acting up. Petty ass.

Yangyang purses his lips. "I'd flirt with them and see if they reciprocate, probably. Why, Dejun? Finally getting the balls to make the first move?" There's a meaningful exchange of stares between the two of them and Lucas shifts uncomfortably in his seat. This is a battle of nerves that he never wants to get involved with.

"See, Yukhei," Dejun breaks his gaze away from Yangyang and directs his attention towards Lucas, "Just do something subtle and see if he's into it."

"Oh, is this about last night?" Yangyang asks. "The letter thing?" 

His question surprises Lucas, because he didn't think Yangyang listened to the radio. It seems Dejun's on the same page because he blurts, "Wait… you listened in last night?"

Yangyang stiffens, like a deer caught in the headlights. The tips of his ears turn a pale crimson and he takes a sip from his drink. 

"Yeah, I uh… got bored while doing homework. You know. As you do." His act of nonchalance isn't fooling anyone and Lucas wonders how often Yangyang actually tunes in.

Dejun's attention doesn’t even seem to be on Yangyang anymore as his eyebrows shoot up and he sits up straighter in his chair. "You said your roommate was helping someone carry shit, right?"

Yangyang tilts his head, confused by the abrupt shift in topic. "Huh…? O-Oh, yeah. He's wearing Balenciaga today, I believe."

That's when Lucas hears it. A familiar, light laugh that makes his heart flip. He whips around to find its source, scanning the expanse of the cafeteria.

When his eyes land on Renjun, however, his heart drops.

Renjun is clutching his laptop to his chest, laughing and smiling up at some guy that he's never seen before. He has long black hair and is telling Renjun a story or something, left hand gesticulating wildly. Renjun looks starry-eyed, almost, and there's an unfamiliar pain that stings in Lucas' chest. 

Yangyang turns around too. "Oh, that's him! Hendery! Over here!" 

The guy next to Renjun looks up and smiles, the apples of his cheeks rising. Renjun follows his gaze to their table, mouth forming a little 'o' as he makes eye contact with Lucas. 

"What an interesting turn of events," Dejun hums, smirking like the annoying Leo he is. 

Lucas turns back to glare at him. "Say anything to Renjun and I will wax your eyebrows." Dejun simpers at him and makes a lazy zipping motion across his lips.

"I didn't know these were the people you were meeting for lunch," Renjun tells Hendery as they approach. He's wearing a cute mint sweater and a grey beret. Lucas wants to die. 

Hendery sets the box down onto the table and Lucas catches a glimpse of art supplies. Paint brushes, a mannequin head, tracing paper and the like. 

"I thought you were going to Jeno's," Lucas says, looking up at Renjun. 

Hendery blinks, looking back and forth between them. "Oh, you guys know each other?" 

Renjun puts his laptop down. "Yeah. This is Lucas, my…" he trails off, and a funny look flits across his face. Lucas belatedly realises that Renjun's searching for a word to describe him.

Who is he to Renjun? 

His boyfriend? Maybe in Lucas' dreams. A friend who he has late night conversations with, perhaps. He's not his best friend; that's Donghyuck. Someone he walks home with? 

"... my neighbor," Renjun finishes. 

It feels like a kick to the stomach, but Lucas should've known better than to expect anything else. Dejun winces and Yangyang whispers a soft 'ouch' beside him. Lucas smiles away the pain and tries to focus on Renjun's sweater paws, because that always makes him feel better.

"Jeno canceled last minute, and I ran into Hendery on my way here. He offered to carry my things so I let him. Can I join you?"

"Of course!" Lucas replies, a little too enthusiastic. He now regrets sitting at the edge of the table because now there's no space for Renjun. He watches dejectedly as Renjun slides in next to Dejun and Hendery takes the seat on his other side. 

Hendery is surprisingly chatty. He and Yangyang get along like two peas in a pod, and all of his anecdotes seem to amuse Dejun. Lucas listens intently, trying to pay attention to Hendery's story about his sister dropping one of her airpods into a fish tank at the market, but he can't keep his eyes off Renjun. The way his body is angled towards Hendery, the way he smiles and giggles along. 

Lucas now identifies the bitter feeling gnawing at his chest: jealousy. It's strange and uncomfortable and Lucas doesn't like it at _all_. It lingers on the edges of his consciousness, makes him over-analyze every minuscule movement that Renjun makes. It flares up when Hendery slings an arm over the back of Renjun's chair. 

_Hey, don't worry. They're just friends,_ says his inner Dejun. 

_Hendery's cute though,_ chimes inner Yangyang. _Really cute_ **_._ **

Renjun glances at his watch. "Oh, I gotta go home. I got a project to work on and it's not going to start itself." 

"I'll walk you?" Lucas offers, as he always does. Renjun smiles, the same small one he smiles whenever Lucas asks. 

Despite being a man who likes change, Lucas treasures these little routines that they share. Renjun might be the only constant in his life, steadfast and reassuring despite having his head up in the clouds. Even after Lucas' family moved back to Hong Kong in his senior year, Renjun never left his side. Lucas remembers crying into Renjun's silk pajama shirt the night they left, soaking the fabric with his tears as the younger boy rocked him gently, comforting with a tender hand and a sweet lullaby.

Lucas gets up and grabs the box, wheezing as he heaves it up. How did Hendery make it look so easy earlier? He makes a mental note to hit the gym again soon. Renjun bids them goodbye and they head out, falling in step despite the difference in their leg length. 

On the bus, they sit beside each other and Renjun tugs his sleeve. "Everything okay, Xuxi? You were kinda quiet earlier."

"Hm? Oh yeah." He doesn't dare mention Hendery. "I was just a little tired." For emphasis, Lucas rests his head on Renjun's shoulder and is pleased when he doesn't shrug him off.

Renjun hums a soft tune and scratches the short hairs on the back of Lucas' neck. "Sleep when you get home, you big baby." 

A yawn escapes him. Something about the ministrations on his nape makes his eyelids feel heavy. If Renjun were a witch, then Lucas is just another vulnerable soul, helpless to his various charms and spells. 

Lucas wakes in the middle of the night to pee. The tiny digital clock on his desk reads 01:47 when he re-enters his room and there's still light emanating from across the almost two-meter gap between their houses. 

Renjun sits in front of his easel, hair pulled back and held in place by a fluffy headband. Only his side profile is visible but Lucas can see that he's tired—the dark circles under his eyes and the electric kettle on the floor are telltale signs. 

Lucas fumbles around the floor for his end of the tin can telephone and pulls. On the other side, Renjun startles at the sound and holds his paintbrush out like a weapon. He notices Lucas and relaxes, lifting the can to his ear with a tired smile. 

"How many mugs of tea?" Lucas whispers.

Renjun glances down. "Only the fifth, I think. I lost count." He yawns, stretching his arms over his head like a tired cat. 

"You should sleep, Jun. Just because you don't have class tomorrow doesn't mean you can stay up all night." 

Renjun rubs at his eyes and opens his mouth to say something. Lucas is expecting a 'night, Xuxi,' when he presses his ear to the can so he's completely caught off guard when Renjun says, 

"Can I come over?" 

It's been a long time since Renjun's slept over. They used to do it often as kids, sometimes in Renjun's room but mostly in Lucas' because stepping on the tree branch to Renjun's window ledge makes him nervous. Lucas remembers holding Renjun's tiny hand in his, remembers how Renjun would giggle and squirm as he traced random patterns and words into his back. He misses those days. Days when holding Renjun close didn't twist his stomach or make his palms sweat. Now a simple touch, a kiss on the cheek from Renjun has Lucas melting into a puddle and frankly, it's embarrassing. 

Lucas doesn't answer verbally but he opens his window instead, shivering as the cool night air raises goosebumps on his exposed arms. Renjun smiles, closes the lights in his room, and slowly climbs out his window. There's a tiny ledge under both their windows, just big enough to put your feet on. Renjun reaches for a branch to his left and grips it tightly, hopping from his house to the tree. He shimmies along, clutching the trunk for stability before grabbing Lucas' outstretched hand.

"Gotcha," Lucas says, as Renjun steps onto his windowsill. 

The shorter boy is about to make a comment when his foot slips and he falls forward. Lucas immediately catches him by the waist, steadying his body, and Renjun looks down at him, eyes blown wide in surprise at their sudden proximity. The moonlight frames his silhouette and Lucas sees the faintest pink spreading across Renjun's cheeks. And for a split second, Lucas swears that Renjun's eyes dart down to his lips.

He licks them, a nervous habit, and this time he sees Renjun swallow. Lucas quickly helps him down and shuts the window securely, pretending like he didn't see that. There's no way he can sleep beside Renjun if his heart decides to do gymnastics routines every five seconds. 

(But that doesn't stop his mind from envisioning Renjun leaning in all the way, lips against his as they kiss in the darkness with only the moon as their witness.)

Renjun removes his dirty socks and puts them in Lucas' laundry basket before making himself comfortable on the bed. He takes Lucas' giant panda and squishes its cheeks. 

"Sorry Mushu, but there's not enough space for the both of us." Lucas' dad had been extremely confused when little Yukhei wanted to name his panda after the cute dragon in Mulan, but he couldn't really stop a persistent seven year old. Lucas vaguely recalls another part to that story but for some reason the details are kind of fuzzy. Renjun sets Mushu on the floor and pats the space beside him. "C'mon, Xuxi."

Lucas obediently follows, climbing into bed beside Renjun, making himself comfortable. They both stare at the ceiling, unmoving. His bed isn't all that large but there’s a gap between them that feels too wide, too awkward, yet Lucas doesn’t dare to move and keeps his hands folded over his stomach. 

Renjun huffs quietly and scoots closer, rolling over so that his back is to Lucas. 

“You can um… hug me, you know.” he barely catches Renjun’s whisper. “I don’t mind. And your room’s kinda cold.”

Lucas flushes, grateful that Renjun can’t see his face because he’s sure it’s bright as a tomato. He inhales through his nostrils and turns over on his side. 

_Just like old times,_ he tells himself, throwing his left arm over Renjun’s side. The reaction is instantaneous; Renjun presses closer against Lucas’ front and molds himself into his arms. Lucas has always loved hugging Renjun because he fits so perfectly in his embrace, small frame and lean muscle a perfect contrast to Lucas’ toned physique and towering build. 

If Lucas were an unfinished puzzle, then Renjun is his missing piece. 

Lucas’ heart tightens when Renjun’s hand moves to the one he has splayed over his torso. Warmth seeps into his skin as their fingers intertwine and Lucas curls closer, eyelids drooping and lips parting. He noses into Renjun’s hair and mumbles a ‘goodnight,’ rubbing circles with his thumb into the pliant skin beneath Renjun’s navel. 

He doesn't see Renjun biting his lip, doesn't hear the shaky exhale he lets out or the sigh afterwards. Lucas falls asleep with the sweet scent of Renjun's shampoo lingering in his mind: coconut with a hint of vanilla, like the promise of summer.

Lucas is an early riser. When he has the luxury of no classes he usually goes out for a morning jog before the sun is up and takes a shower after breakfast. But when you wake up past your alarm with the sun already shining and the boy of your dreams tucked into your side, there's nothing much you can do at that point. 

That's exactly how Lucas feels when he opens his eyes and Renjun's still peacefully sleeping. He's facing him now, their legs are tangled together and Renjun's right hand is curled into a fist against Lucas' chest. He's far from angelic—there's a trace of drool on the corner of his lips and his mouth is somewhat open—but Lucas can't help but think that he still looks pretty. 

"Renjun," he whispers, squeezing his waist gently. "Let's eat breakfast." 

A groan, followed by a shake of the head. Renjun nuzzles into Lucas and he freezes, tensing as the younger boy noses at his jaw, lips brushing the pulse point on his neck. 

"'Smells good," Renjun murmurs drowsily.

Lucas smiles and combs his fingers through Renjun's dark locks. Without so much as a second thought, he leans in to kiss Renjun on the forehead. 

"Okay.” he relents. “Five more minutes."

(He only regrets the forehead kiss later, burying his face into his panda bear and thrashing on his bed like a giddy, lovestruck teenager.)

"What do you think it means?" Lucas asks Dejun, the master of advice, after recounting the whole story of last night's sleepover. He wasn't certain if the whole cuddling thing was purely platonic, but he also didn't want to be reading into things.

Yangyang doesn't even look up from his phone. "It means he wants to fucking kiss you, dumbass." 

Lucas flushes. "You think so?"

Dejun rolls his eyes, annoyed. "He asked to sleep with you, swallowed nervously when you licked your lips, and said you smelled good. If you don't think he's not at least a little bit in love with you, I don't know what to say."

"I thought you liked romance stories, Dejun."

"Not this one."

Yangyang snorts. "This is a tragedy, my friend."

"Look," Dejun says gently, taking Lucas' phone and placing it in his hands. "Why don't you give him a call and ask him out to a cafe or something. Like a simple lunch, just the two of you. You don't even need to classify it as a date if it makes you nervous."

Lucas is a confident person. He can emcee school events without stuttering, he can crack jokes to audiences and has a smile that charms juniors, seniors, alumni, professors, you name it. He gets the occasional love letters and chocolates and knows it's because of his face, the handsome face that people linger on when they pass him in the hallways. The face that people stare at on trains and buses and admire for a few seconds and might even tell their friends about afterwards. 

_Hey, I saw this tall guy earlier. He looked like a model._

_Isn't he handsome? I feel like I've seen him in a movie or something._

_Wow, his face is so small! I'm jealous._

He's heard all the compliments. He can even give presentations in class without batting an eyelash because he knows that half the time people aren't paying attention to his words, but his appearance. It stings a little, sure, but Lucas is practically immune to the feeling now. 

But asking Renjun out? The thought alone is enough to make his palms sweat, enough to make his heart race and his emotions go into overdrive. He knows Renjun's seen him with his bad teenager hair, puberty pimples, and braces. There's no self-assured, alluring Lucas Wong in his eyes. He knows him as Huang Xuxi, the childish boy next door who loves his plushies and farts loudly and orders takeout for dinner at least thrice a week. 

How could he possibly be attracted to _that?_

In the midst of his internal monologue, Lucas doesn't even notice Yangyang stealing the phone and dialing Renjun's number. He only notices it when the beeping stops and there's a faint ‘hello?’ on the other end of the line. "Oop, he picked up. That was fast," Yangyang snickers. 

Lucas scrambles to grab the phone, smoothing his hair even though Renjun can’t see him. "Hey, Junnie! How's it going?" 

Lo-fi music plays in the background. "I was just about to take a nap. Why'd you call?" Renjun’s voice is soft, like drops of water on a still surface.

Dejun smiles, gestures for Lucas to continue. Yangyang shoots him a thumbs up. Lucas inhales through his nose. Here goes nothing.

"I uh, was wondering if you're free... this Sunday? There's this new bingsu place that opened recently and I want to try it." 

Dejun and Yangyang cheer silently. Lucas puts a hand over his heart and prays for the best.

"That sounds great!" Lucas' heart leaps, "But Hendery already invited me to go see one of the museum exhibits downtown."

Tires screeching, a crash. Lucas's heart now lies on the pavement, crushed and bleeding. He can picture Renjun biting his lip apologetically. 

"Oh. Okay. Some other time then. Sleep well, Renjun." He tries not to sound too dejected as he hangs up. Of course Hendery already went and asked him out. Just his luck.

Dejun frowns. “What was that? What happened?”

Lucas sulks. “He’s got a museum date with Hendery.” 

Yangyang’s eyes widen. “Hendery? But I thought–”

“Hey now,” Dejun says, taking a seat next to Lucas. “It’s just one museum visit. Perhaps they’re going as friends.” He knows Dejun is trying to soften the blow, but it doesn’t help. Lucas crawls under Dejun’s blanket and groans sadly into his mattress. 

“I’m sleeping over,” he announces. He doesn’t think he could bear to face Renjun tonight, not after this disaster. 

Yangyang pats his butt comfortingly. “Don’t worry so much, big guy. Just because they go to a museum together doesn’t mean they’re getting married.”

“You want malatang for dinner?” Dejun asks, already clicking the delivery app on his phone. Lucas smiles to himself, thankful to have such kind friends who know exactly how to cheer him up. 

“Yes please,” Yangyang and Lucas chorus.

There's a problem that Lucas quickly runs into: it's physically impossible for him to hate Hendery. Being Yangyang's new roommate, the guy trails him like a dog and this means he's constantly around now, cracking jokes or dancing with Yangyang. Dejun doesn't even seem to care, sometimes even joining in on their shenanigans. 

Hendery's nice. He's patient and funny and Lucas can see why everyone likes him. He has great hair, a great smile, and a great personality. There's hardly a bad bone in his body. So Lucas can't hate him for taking Renjun out to the museum. He's a good guy. Might be a potentially good boyfriend for Renjun too.

He also ends up being the one that suggests they all go out for bingsu when Lucas mentions it in passing ('they' meaning Renjun and his group of oddball friends). Lucas doesn't know if he's trying to get cozy with Renjun's best friends to make a good impression or if he's just being a Nice Guy™ but either way, Lucas _has_ been craving bingsu so he agrees. 

And that's how he finds himself sitting across Hendery in a pastel themed bingsu restaurant with Renjun on his left and Mr. Congeniality Na Jaemin on his right. 

Jaemin's hunched over the menu, poring over each dessert option like it's his last meal. His boyfriend Jeno sits across him, taking candids as he does so. "Do you want strawberry, babe?" Jaemin asks. "Or the mango one?" Jeno just shrugs indifferently, scrolling through various Instagram filters. 

"I want chocolate, no arguments," says Donghyuck from Renjun's left. "We're sharing, right?"

Renjun hesitates, looking at Lucas as if he's thinking about sharing one with him. But the seating arrangement is odd, and if Renjun doesn't share with Donghyuck then the boy will have to share with Yangyang who's sitting in front of him, and that's probably not going to happen.

"Yeah," Renjun answers, and Lucas deflates a little. "Of course."

Yangyang and Dejun are also looking at the menu together. "Matcha?" They say simultaneously, high-fiving each other afterwards. 

Hendery smiles, albeit a little awkwardly, handing Lucas the laminated paper. "You can choose. I'm not picky." Lucas looks down at the choices and decides on the milk injeolmi one. 

"Hey _injeolmi,_ " Lucas whispers, nudging Renjun. "I'll save you some rice cake, okay?" 

Renjun rolls his eyes. "That nickname is so old, _Xixi."_ The pet name sends a jolt through his veins. Not even Dejun knows about that one. It was born one tipsy night in the eighth grade when they decided to be edgy and stole a bottle of wine from Renjun's parents' alcohol cabinet. 

_("Xixi… like someone laughing? That's what your name sounds like," Renjun slurs, slumped over his beanbag.)_

The desserts arrive fast and Donghyuck snaps a few photos for his food blog before he allows them to dig in. Lucas eagerly digs into the soft, flaky ice, making sure to get a spoonful of red beans before biting down. The syrupy hint of honey combined with the cold sensation of ice as it melts across his tongue is so, so delicious and Lucas groans in satisfaction.

Renjun chuckles, spooning a heap of his own chocolatey ice into his mouth. Conversation flows easily between Yangyang and Jaemin, with Hendery chiming in every other moment. Donghyuck entertains with stories and Jeno seems to have a knack for making unexpectedly funny jokes. Lucas observes Renjun, who seems to be having a fantastic time as well, elbows propped on the table as he listens intently to Dejun, and his heart swells. There's nothing quite like hanging out with great people and eating good food.

Before long, there's only one injeolmi sitting at the bottom of the bowl. Lucas is about to pick up his fork when Hendery beats him to it, piercing the powdery peanut coating and holding it up towards Renjun. 

"Do you want the last one?" he asks, and Renjun pauses to consider. He smiles and takes the fork from Hendery, feeding himself. Lucas is too busy watching Renjun to see Dejun wiping the corner of Yangyang's mouth.

"You're so messy," Dejun huffs, licking the pad of his thumb before swiping it across Yangyang's bottom lip. Yangyang stares, mute, wondering if Dejun even realised what he just did. 

Renjun checks his watch after swallowing and sighs. "Dammit. I have to get going if I'm gonna arrive on time to my dentist's appointment." 

They exchange farewells as Renjun pushes his chair back and stands up, grabbing his sling bag as he makes his way to the door. 

"Wait!" Lucas calls after him. "You forgot something."

Renjun turns around, confused. After a pause he walks slowly to the table, and Lucas' eyes go wide as the shorter boy promptly cups his face with one hand and leans down to kiss his cheek. Right in front of all their friends. 

The skin that Renjun's lips make contact with tingles after he pulls away. Lucas tries to find his voice, stunned by the display of affection. 

"I… I was talking about your jacket," he croaks. With a feeble hand, he lifts the discarded piece of clothing. 

Renjun looks at the jacket and then back at Lucas, eyes widening in mild horror. A furious blush creeps onto his pale skin, very obvious and very adorable. He snatches the jacket and says, "Right. That. Thanks," before dashing out the door.

The rest of the table is quiet and the only thing Lucas can hear is his thrumming heartbeat. His face is threatening to betray him; he really _really_ wants to grin. But he bites it back, trying to look civilised as he turns back to face Hendery and the others. Dejun and Yangyang are shocked, Jaemin has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face, and Jeno… Jeno’s just plain confused.

Donghyuck breaks the silence with a cough.

"So... who's paying?" 

“Hyuckie!”

“I’m joking, Nana. Jeez.”

Renjun doesn't kiss him on the cheek for a good week after that.

Lucas would be lying if he said that Renjun’s sudden aversion to kissing him on the cheek didn’t hurt his feelings. Was the idea of kissing him in front of people really _that_ repulsive, even platonically? They still chat almost every night through their windows and Lucas continues to wait for him before going home, but there’s a subtle shift in the air around Renjun and Lucas doesn’t know what it means. 

He ponders about this as he sits in the library, trying to study for one of his upcoming tests. There's a tiny nook under the stairs that he's claimed as his own, with a cushioned bench and a tiny table and two charging points. He sits cross-legged, notepad in his lap and textbook next to him, earphones plugged in but with no music playing. 

"Non-verbal communication techniques," he mutters to himself, reading the same paragraph over and over. He's trying to absorb the information but he can't, not when his mind is occupied with thoughts of Renjun. He heard Hendery took him to another exhibition lately, somewhere downtown. Were they a thing now? Is that why Renjun’s been acting differently? 

Figuring that he’s not going to get any further reviewing done, Lucas tosses his notebook and pens into his bag. He’s walking past the book checkout counter when he sees a familiar figure talking to the librarian. Huang Guanheng. Great. Just the guy he’s looking for. 

There’s only one exit and Lucas needs to pass the counter so he keeps his head down and speeds up, praying that Hendery won’t notice him and he’ll be able to sneak out. But of course, just as he’s behind Hendery, the boy backs up and they bump into each other, sending Lucas’ textbook tumbling out of his arms. It lands on the wood with a hard thump and the librarian hisses at him.

Hendery bends to pick it up. “I’m so sorry! I should’ve watched where—Lucas? Is that you?”

Lucas steels himself, running a hand through his hair and putting on a pretence of false surprise. “Hendery! I didn’t see you there!” 

Hendery smiles. It’s a nice smile, Lucas thinks. Dentists would love him. 

“You going home? I’m heading the same way.” There’s no reason to deny it, so Lucas nods and decides to walk with him. It’s the first time they’ve been alone together, and Lucas doesn’t really know what to say. It seems that Hendery doesn’t mind the silence though, as he strolls along with his hands in his pockets, humming a happy tune. 

Lucas decides to start some conversation. “So how’s your week been? Busy?”

Hendery looks pleasantly surprised by the question. “It’s good,” he answers. “Nothing incredibly interesting on schedule, though.” 

Around them, the trees sway in the chilly autumn breeze. Leaves colored in vibrant hues of vermillion and amber cover the walkways, and they crunch noisily under Lucas’ boots. The sky is a dull periwinkle and people clothed in fluffy scarves and woolen cardigans stroll past, the occasional couple walking hand in hand to stay warm. It almost feels like he’s walking through one of Renjun’s paintings. 

It seems that Hendery’s on the same page because he adds, “I actually asked Renjun to go somewhere this afternoon but he cancelled.”

Lucas tries not to look too relieved by that piece of information. “Oh. You guys have been hanging out a lot, huh?”

“Yeah, kinda.” Hendery suddenly stops in his tracks. “That’s okay with you, right?”

The worry in his tone confuses Lucas and he turns to face Hendery. “Huh? Why wouldn’t it be okay with me?”

“I don’t know…” Hendery scratches the back of his neck shyly. “Some people are really clingy with their boyfriends and get jealous easily.”

 _Boyfriends_. Lucas flushes. “I-I… Renjun isn’t… w-we’re not…” he stammers, heat creeping up the back of his neck as he struggles to compose himself. “Renjun isn’t my boyfriend.”

It’s Hendery’s turn to get embarrassed, pink appearing on the apples of his cheeks. “You’re not? I was totally convinced that you guys were dating. On the first day we met you literally walked him home.”

“Because we’re neighbors! Renjun said so, remember?”

Hendery raises an eyebrow. “And the kiss at the bingsu place?”

“He’s been doing that ever since we were kids,” Lucas explains. “I thought _you_ were trying to make a move on him!”

“What the hell? No!” Hendery yells, turning the heads of some nearby pedestrians. He lowers his voice to a whisper. “I have a crush on Ten-ge.”

Lucas’ jaw drops. “The _dance major?_ ” 

“I’m a dance major too, dude!”

All this information is making Lucas dizzy, so he gestures to a bench for them to sit on. Hendery still has an embarrassed blush, smiling nervously like he ate something weird. 

"So let me get this straight," Lucas prods his textbook cover. "You're not taking Renjun on dates."

Hendery sighs. "When I first met Renjun, I asked him about his project and he told me he was doing research into local artists. My sister and I used to go to museums back in Macau so I was curious and asked if he'd like to check out an exhibit with me. As _friends_ ," he emphasizes.

Like clouds parting to make room for sunlight on an overcast day, Hendery’s words clear away the doubt in Lucas’ heart and fills it with an overwhelming sense of relief. They weren’t dating after all. Renjun’s still single, single as always. It still doesn’t explain Renjun’s strange behavior, but perhaps that’s an issue for another day.

"Wait, but for real. You guys aren't together?" Hendery asks, looking genuinely confused. "Yangyang made it sound like you were in love with him."

Lucas frowns. He's going to have a few words with Yangyang tomorrow. "I _do_ like Renjun," he bashfully admits. "But I don't know how to tell him."

"Renjun," Hendery says, placing a hand over Lucas' and staring him right in the eyes. "I really, really like you. See? Easy peasy."

 _If only,_ laments his inner Dejun. Lucas removes Hendery's hand and stands up. "I can't. I'm not ready yet."

He turns to leave but Hendery grabs his sweater, spinning him around. Two cold hands land on his cheeks. Hendery stares him down, focused. "Lucas. Are you a coward?" he asks.

In his peripheral vision he sees a child staring at them curiously. "No..." 

He gasps as Hendery smacks his left cheek. It’s not painful, but it catches him off guard. 

"Let me repeat that. Are. You. A. Coward." 

Determination bubbles up in his chest. He doesn't know what kind of trick Hendery's pulling on him but it's working. "No," he replies firmly. "I'm not a coward."

"Are you sure?" Hendery raises his voice. 

"I'm sure!" Lucas shouts.

"Then go tell the love of your life how you feel!" Hendery yells, pumping his fist in the air. "Kiss him and sweep him off his feet!"

Hendery's words ignite a spark within him. Yeah. Maybe it is time for him to confess to Renjun. Maybe he ran into Hendery for a reason, so all these misunderstandings could be cleared up. Was this whole encounter a sign? 

"I gotta go," Lucas says, smiling brightly. He plants a fat smooch on Hendery's cheek. "Thank you, Kunhang. Thank you so much." He turns and runs, clutching his book tightly, bag thumping against his thigh.

"Go get your man!" Hendery calls after him in Cantonese. 

Lucas glances back.

"You too, loser!"

He hops on his bike, dumps his belongings into the front basket, swings a long leg over the seat and takes off. Lucas pedals hard, taking all the shortcuts through shady alleys and cramped pathways. He kind of regrets not bringing a jacket or a coat because the material of his sweater is way too thin to be speeding up roads in this weather. He mutters to himself as he rides, rehearsing his confession speech under his breath.

 _Hey Renjun, are you busy? There’s something important I need to tell you_.

He's panting by the time he turns onto their street. There's something parked in front of Renjun's house and Lucas slows. Renjun doesn't have a car. As he nears, he realizes that it's not just any car—it's a Tesla. A sleek, midnight black Tesla. 

Lucas swerves to a stop just a few meters from Renjun's house. He feels a lump forming in his throat as the car door swings upwards and out climbs a tall, handsome man with reddish-brown hair. He looks expensive, chic, quite fashionable in a simple black turtleneck and tan slacks. Lucas frowns. He's never seen him before. The front door of the house opens and Renjun runs out, throwing himself at the dashing stranger. Said stranger catches him in a hug, laughing as he squeezes him. 

And then he drops a kiss to Renjun's forehead. 

Lucas stills when he sees Renjun looks up at the guy with such blatant fondness in his eyes. He reads Renjun's lips, each Mandarin character feeling like a hammer against his fragile heart:

"I missed you so much."

He can only watch pathetically as Renjun takes the guy's luggage out of the car and leads him inside by the hand. The door slams shut behind them and Lucas swallows hard. The uncomfortable feeling is back, but it's not jealousy this time. It's a little more painful, clawing at his insides, making tears well up in his eyes.

But he quickly shakes it off. This is probably a misunderstanding, just like the Hendery thing. He could very conceivably be a family friend. A stunning, well-proportioned friend who Renjun likes to hold hands with and receive kisses from. Very plausible.

Dejected, Lucas grabs his bag and enters his house. He texts Dejun and Yangyang in their group chat but neither of them respond, leaving him to assume that they’re probably busy with schoolwork or something. He looks at the calendar hanging by his bookshelf and realises that he doesn’t have class tomorrow—this leaves his schedule open for wallowing in self-pity and watching shitty comedies on Netflix to make himself feel like less of a loser. Lucas swings around to his fridge and grabs a bottle of cheap ass beer, immediately taking a swig from one. He slams it down on the table, hard enough to rattle the bowl of apples, and thinks about what to order for dinner. 

It’s going to be a _long_ night. 

After five hours, three and a half bottles of alcohol, a large bowl of jjajangmyeon, eight chicken wings, and too many episodes of _The Big Bang Theory_ , Lucas feels a little lightheaded. At times like these, he’s grateful that he lives alone because it means that no one hounds him to clean up or sleep early. But it also means extra chores to do and more pressure to be responsible, which Lucas frankly couldn’t care less about right now.

He wasn’t actually planning to drink more than half a bottle but after going upstairs to change and witnessing Mr. Tesla closing Renjun’s blinds himself, Lucas’ slow descent into a pit of sadness instantly shifted into a plummeting ride into the depths of hell as his worst fears were realised. 

A fun fact about Renjun and Lucas: they _never_ close their blinds, not even when they’re changing clothes or going to bed. Lucas doesn’t know why; he supposes they’re just lazy. But to see another man closing Renjun’s blinds for the first time in their entire life… it felt like someone was pouring lemon juice into dozens of paper cuts on his heart. And _damn_ did it hurt.

So Renjun might be having sex with his hot, older-looking boyfriend with a fancy car and great fashion taste. So what? That’s totally fine. He’s old enough. 

Lucas closes his eyes and envisions himself at one end of a chessboard making careful, calculated moves. Playing opposite him is the universe, master of the game, manipulating each piece, each pawn, blocking every single advance he makes towards Renjun. Lucas has never been a big believer in destiny but with everything that’s been happening lately, he’s starting to think that it’s the cosmos telling him that he and Renjun aren’t meant to be after all. 

He doesn’t know what stings more: knowing that Renjun’s not single or the fact that he had to find out this way. The laugh track plays again, overused and unironic at this point. Lucas groans, shuts the television off and lies there, letting the silence swallow him whole. 

It’s almost eleven a.m. when Lucas checks his phone and sees a bunch of messages from Dejun and Yangyang asking if everything’s okay. With a splitting headache and a bad taste in his mouth (he really should’ve brushed), he texts them and says that he’s fine, just stressed over a test and he’ll be locked up in his house for the time being. Yangyang sends him a cute sticker and Dejun reminds him not to overwork himself. 

Just out of curiosity, he tells himself, he peeks out the living room window to see if the car is still there. Sure enough, Renjun’s climbing into the car while his mysterious man slides into the driver’s seat. They back out smoothly and drive off, to their brunch destination or whatever. 

As he backs away from the sunlight, Lucas bumps into a side table and a few envelopes fall to the floor. He picks them up, grunting as his spine cracks, and dusts them off. They’re old, all various shades of pink and red. ‘To Lucas,’ most of them say. He smiles softly and places them in their rightful spots. It’s been a long time since he’s received love letters. Most of them came from back in high school when all the girls used to attend his basketball matches and giggle about how cool he looked with slicked hair. He received a few during his freshman year at university, not necessarily through letters: some tried their hand at flirting during parties and the braver ones confessed in person. And each time they asked why he rejected them he’d simply respond,

“My heart’s already taken.”

Lucas wonders about every person he’s ever turned away. For him it was simple, a gentle smile and a warm hug after letting them down kindly. But for them? How terrifying it must've been. Taking a leap of faith, knowing that you wouldn’t be able to land on the other side without a few cuts and bruises. Having the courage to put your heart on the table, vulnerable and exposed for everyone's viewing pleasure.

As he regards the stack of letters for a minute longer, realisation dawns on him slowly. The way he feels with Renjun—that’s exactly how all of his admirers felt. Nervous because you don’t know how they’ll respond. Apprehensive because you don’t want to look like a fool. Afraid because you don’t want your heart to be broken. 

But there’s a key distinction between Lucas and all of the people that confessed to him, and it’s the fact that they had the resolve to actually try. 

His mind helpfully pushes forward an almost forgotten conversation from years ago. 

_They’re having a picnic by the river. The sunset sky is coral and crimson, like a grapefruit sorbet with rivulets of strawberry syrup. Renjun sits with a half-eaten roll of kimbap under the shade of a tree._

_He doesn’t remember the context, but he certainly recalls Renjun’s words of advice: “Sometimes, you have to stretch out and grasp whatever thread of opportunity comes your way.”_

_Lucas slurps his ramen noisily. “Even if it feels like you’re reaching for the stars?” he asks._

_The younger boy leans forward with a tissue and wipes the corner of Lucas’ lips with a smile._

_“_ Especially _when it feels like that.”_

Lucas rubs at the crusty rheum gathered in the inner corner of his eyes and blinks. He catches a glimpse of his reflection in the wall mirror: haggard and a bit sloppy, dark circles under his eyes and a spot of drool by the corner of his mouth. He looks _bad._ Nothing like his usual upbeat and well-groomed self. 

He considers his vague memory and yesterday’s counsel from Hendery as he stares at his tired image. All of this one-sided pining is clearly affecting him in a bad way. Like drops being added one by one to glass of water filled to the brim, his composure is threatening to spill over the edge. 

But maybe, just maybe, that’s just what he needs. One more drop. Just a little push. Like a genuine confession. 

In the shower, Lucas ponders about the possibility. If he found a way to let Renjun know how he felt, then he’d get a proper rejection. Renjun would tell him that they’re better off as friends and Lucas could cry about it for a night before accepting the inevitability of the whole situation. They’d still cuddle, walk home together, and have movie marathons every so often. Lucas would eventually move on, date someone nice, and both he and Renjun would be happy. He’d live the rest of his life with no regrets. 

Lucas towels his hair off and checks his reflection again, angling his face up and down, practicing expressions and moving his eyebrows. It’s a routine that gives him confidence, no matter how much Yangyang clowns him for it. He’s decided to spend a few days away from Renjun to collect himself again. He’ll stay home and have some much needed time to himself, clean the house, actually get some studying done.

And exactly a week from now, he’ll confess to Renjun. He hasn’t quite figured out how, but hopefully time will tell.

The window curtains come up sometime during Thursday while Lucas is folding his laundry on his bed and it takes an enormous amount of willpower for him to not turn his head and wave at Renjun. Instead, he pushes his earphones deeper and cranks the volume up, hoping that maybe the noise will drown out the voice in his head, the one singing forlorn love songs and depressing ballads.

Lucas completely misses Renjun’s smile, wave, and the disappointed pout that follows when he doesn’t respond.

Friday arrives with grey skies and a text from Hendery.

**cucumber (kunhang)**

yukheiiiiiii

omgomgomgmgmg

I asked ten-ge to go on a date with me!!

and he said YES 

AAJDJDJNF 

THIS SUNDAY

I havent seen u around lately :((

but I hope u n renjun are good!! :D

Lucas stares at the text, trying not to feel envious. Of course he's glad that Hendery scored a date with his crush. He deserves it, after all. He replies with a ‘good job!’ and a dancing bear sticker before tossing his phone onto his bed. 

Tesla Guy had disappeared sometime last night. Lucas knows this because he witnessed him and Renjun hugging on the front steps and when he woke up this morning, the car was gone, gone home to wherever home was for that expensive man. Maybe he was constantly on business trips and this was just a rented car from a friend. Maybe he had a cushy job in the business district and lived in a high-rise apartment building with two guest bedrooms and a view of the Han River. Lucas would never know.

Renjun appears in his peripheral vision and Lucas steels himself, allowing just one moment of weakness to look at him through their open windows. 

Freshly showered and dressed in a grey hoodie, Renjun takes a seat on his bed with his keyboard piano, stretches his fingers out in front of him. He taps his fingers against the plastic keys for a moment, lips pursed as if he were thinking deeply of what song to play. 

Renjun rolls his sleeves up and begins. His fingers are quick but move with practiced ease, and Lucas watches as they dance over the black and white keys, playing an old tune that he's done a thousand times before. Renjun remains calm, never faltering, a small smile gracing his handsome features as he sings along to the chorus. The lyrics are sad, a story about a swordsman missing his lover, her beautiful smile, his longing to be with her once more. Lucas watches, hypnotized by Renjun's silvery voice—light like wind chimes with a saccharine, sugary quality that pulls Lucas in, his eyes unable to tear away from the simple but captivating performance just meters across him.

As the song nears its end, Renjun’s smile fades. His gaze turns glassy, hands stilling on the last chord and leaves it hanging for what seems like ages. Only then does Lucas get the impression that he’s been singing about someone. That handsome guy? No, that doesn’t seem to be right. There's a different emotion in the air. Something twists in Lucas’ chest as he sees Renjun droop, posture slumping as he sighs.

Lucas clears his throat. "You haven't played that song in forever." 

Renjun sits up immediately, shifting his attention to the window. "I didn't realise you were listening," he says, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, an almost bashful expression on his face.

"I've missed hearing you play. I've missed _you_ , in general," Lucas admits, heart jumping in his chest at his own words. 

"I'm sorry." Renjun's eyes turn sad and Lucas regrets saying anything because he doesn't need to apologize. "My mind's been so… all over the place lately."

"Tell me about it," he chuckles. Renjun smiles a little, and they stare at each other for a few moments. 

Renjun clears his throat. "Do you wanna duet?" 

Lucas suppresses a grin, it's been too long. "What song did you have in mind?"

"Starlight?" 

"I feel like Hyuck would kill me for butchering Dean's parts."

"Don't say that. You have a great voice," Renjun reassures. He doesn't really give Lucas a choice, already practicing the opening notes.

Lucas grabs one of his bears and places it in his lap as he settles down in front of the window, something to ground his nerves. His voice is nowhere as beautiful as Renjun's (despite Renjun's firm protests), but he likes to think they sound pretty decent when they harmonize. 

"Ready when you are," Renjun says. 

Lucas inhales, calms his beating heart, and goes for it. 

_You are my starlight, shine on my heart_

_When I’m with you, it feels like I’m dreaming all day_

_You are my starlight, I get so happy_

_Your love is like a gift_

Renjun beams with each passing line, which in turn gives Lucas confidence in himself. He takes over and sings Taeyeon's verse, and Lucas is once again mesmerized by the clear quality of his singing. When Renjun looks straight into Lucas' eyes, a light dusting of pink on his cheeks, Lucas almost faints.

_You’re so lovable, I couldn’t hold back, oh_

_I discovered you like a miracle, you always make me smile_

_You are my starlight_

He drops his head shyly, focusing on the piano keys as Lucas sings the chorus. Looking at Renjun makes his heart swell, makes him want to leap across and kiss him. But all he can do is try his best to sing, hoping that Renjun will understand him.

_When we’re together, it feels like my heart is dancing_

_You are my starlight, I’m so thankful_

_Your love is like a dream_

Renjun chimes in at the last chorus, flawlessly pulling off the adlibs and high notes. Like an intricate tango their voices dance together, never falling out of tune. 

It's intimate, the way their voices taper off at the last second, the look in their eyes as they stare at each other across the gap between their windows on that late Friday afternoon, cloudy skies overhead. It’s a moment that Lucas wants to capture and frame, a moment that is so sincere yet fleeting.

And if there's a sliver of a chance that Renjun meant any of the lyrics, any word at all, Lucas holds onto it with every fiber of his being. 

"Hey, Xuxi?" comes Renjun's sweet voice. 

Lucas blinks back to reality. "Yeah?"

Renjun bites his lip and smiles softly. The wind blows again, cold, but Lucas doesn't shiver. Renjun's smile holds a warmth that a thousand candles couldn't compare to.

"I've missed you… a lot."

"Well, I'm here," Lucas chuckles, holding his bear's paw and making it wave at Renjun. "I'll always be here."

_For you._

(Lucas doesn't know if he says that last part out loud or not.)

Lucas misses the first half of Dream Launch on Monday, rushing home after an event that dragged on too long. He blasts it while he takes a shower, jamming out to the tunes that Xiaojun puts on (he always puts the radio far from the shower in case water somehow splashes on it). 

Renjun’s lights are off and his foot peeks out from underneath his blanket. Lucas towels his hair dry and flops onto his bed, lies down and starts scrolling through Instagram while his radio continues playing from its usual spot on his bedside table. He skips through stories, only pausing to watch Yangyang and Dejun’s. It’s been a week since he started ghosting them and life has felt significantly devoid of Yangyang’s incessant chatter and Dejun’s restrained sighs. Maybe he should cook lunch for them tomorrow. 

As Lucas double-taps on Renjun’s latest post (an aesthetic shot of his palette and paintbrushes next to a blank canvas), thinking about which Pinterest recipe to attempt, he vaguely registers DJ Xiaojun speaking again. 

_"Usually when picking requests I choose the older ones, but I was flipping through the recent letters and I found one that was a little… different. This is the last one for tonight, so I'll end it with this letter and a song. Here it goes:_

_To be honest, I'm not a frequent listener of his show, but the guy I like tunes in religiously so I'm taking my chances with this. I'm not the best at expressing my feelings with words, but please bear with me._

_As I'm writing this I can’t help but wonder… is it cowardly to confess over a broadcast, with someone else reading my feelings out for the world to hear? Possibly. It might even be stupider than hoping that maybe you'd like me more than a friend. After years of knowing you, I thought I'd be able to tell. But your feelings towards me remain shrouded in this mist that I can never seem to navigate through. It's like I'm on a boat, paddling against a neverending current, against waves too high to conquer. Fun fact: did you know the highest wave ever measured was 1719 feet? That’s like, half a kilometer._

That last part catches Lucas’ attention. It reminds him of Renjun and his random general knowledge facts about useless things. 

_“But that’s not important—what’s important is how I feel about you. I’m going to keep this short, so listen up. Do you remember when you surprised me on my fifteenth birthday by climbing through my window with two cupcakes but you accidentally squashed one of them? That was the first time I felt my heart skip a beat for you.”_

Lucas sits up. Was he dreaming? That’s exactly what happened all those years ago when he baked cupcakes for Renjun. They were chocolate, with mint green buttercream icing and rainbow sprinkles on top. His hand shakes as he reaches over and turns the volume button up.

_“And after that, you made my heart skip a beat too many times to remember. Like the time we watched 10 Things I Hate About You and you said you’d totally serenade me in front our entire high school. I knew you were half-joking, but the thought was cute. Or the time we went to the park because I wanted to paint something and you made a flower crown for me and told me I looked like a woodland prince. I actually pressed the flowers from that day in one of my sketchbooks because I was so touched by them.”_

Lucas swallows, heartbeat accelerating to hypersonic speed. Dejun's voice distorts, starting to sound like someone else's in his head. 

_“I guess this is just my long-winded way of telling you… that I like you. You’re handsome, funny, intelligent, and I like you. A lot. More than I’d like to admit, honestly._

_Look me in the eyes tomorrow and tell me that you feel the same. Tell me that I haven’t been overthinking your lingering glances and shy smiles, because it’s been driving me insane._

You _drive me absolutely crazy._

_I dedicate this song to you, Captain Li Shang. We danced to it during prom, do you remember? You held me close and I don’t think you felt it, but my heart was pounding._

_Sleep well tonight, you big idiot._

_Much love,_

_Your Hua Mulan._

_Baby I’m Yours_ by Barbara Lewis begins to play. The slow, familiar song has Lucas envisioning fairy lights and low budget streamers, twirling Renjun around the middle of the dance floor set up in their school assembly hall. How could he ever forget—this was the song playing when Lucas thought of kissing Renjun for the first time. 

He glances at Mushu, his panda, and memories of a rainy spring afternoon flood his mind. 

_They’re in Lucas’ living room, watching Mulan for movie night because Renjun suggested a Disney marathon._

_“I want to be like Captain Shang when I grow up!” nine year-old Lucas exclaims, standing on the sofa. “I’ll lead a powerful army with my strength and charisma!”_

_Renjun laughs as his friend jumps around, brandishing an imaginary sword and swinging it as if he were fighting villains._

_“I’ll be Mulan then. She’s so brave, I wish I could be like her.” Renjun steps up on the coffee table and pretends to kick someone over._

_Lucas laughs gleefully, picking up his giant stuffed panda. His dad had gifted it to him after returning from a business trip and he hadn’t named it yet. “Then this will be Mushu! Instead of a tiny dragon, we’ll fight with a massive panda sidekick and take down all the bad guys together!” he yells._

Mushu, his panda. Captain Shang. Him. Mulan. _Renjun_. 

An advertisement jingle snaps Lucas back to reality, and he hurriedly dials Dejun’s number. He paces around the room, tapping his thigh impatiently. “Pick up, pick up… Dejun!” 

“Hello?” 

“That last letter you read. Who was it from?” 

“Give me a second, I’m packing up.” The suspense is killing Lucas, and he bites at his nails nervously. 

“Okay I’m here,” Dejun says, amidst muffled voices. “Um, I don’t recall. It was just in a plain white envelope with no name on it.”

“HEY,” Yangyang’s voice shouts into the receiver, startling Lucas. “Where the hell have you been these past few days? Hendery said he saw you last week and that you had important stuff to take care of. And don’t tell me you’ve been studying the whole time because that’s just bullshi–”

Swearing follows as Dejun snatches the phone from Yangyang. “Sorry about that, I–”

“Did Yangyang pick you up at the studio?” Lucas asks, curiosity getting the better of him.

Dejun hesitates before answering.“M-Maybe.”

Lucas slaps his leg. He _knew_ it. He’s going to interrogate them both tomorrow. But first, the letter.

“You’re absolutely sure there was nothing on the envelope? No words?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty certain. That’s why I was so intrigued by it. Most of them at least have the address of our building on the front.”

So there’s no concrete proof that Renjun was the sender. Lucas slumps onto his bed, hope fading by the second. But who else could’ve known all those specific stories? It was too real.

“But now that you mention it,” Dejun’s voice returns, “I remember seeing this guy by the elevator. Tall, good jawline. I didn’t look at him too long but he kept his face down like he was trying to hide from someone.”

Tall…? 

_Tesla Guy?_

“His ears,” Lucas asks urgently, “Were they pointy?”

A pause. “Yeah? I guess they were pointy-ish? Why do you sound so pressed?”

The bits and pieces of information start to lock into place. Lucas' mind is working overtime trying to fit everything together and make sense of the situation.

"Wait, you mean the one with the coat?" Yangyang returns to the conversation. "Isn't he that model? Dong Sicheng? I saw him walking to his car and it was like watching a fashion show. I should've gotten his autograph, dammit."

_Dong Sicheng?_

Lucas nearly drops his phone. Renjun's always told him about his semi-famous cousin, gushing about how cool he was. In all those times, Lucas had never actually bothered to look him up. 

That feeling when you realise something important, the kind of breathless, tongue-tied feeling that consumes your whole body and suddenly your chest feels too tight and you're unsure if it's panic or elation—that's the feeling that surges within him. 

_What are you waiting for, you idiot?_

_Go._

"Oh God," he whispers.

"Lucas? Yukhei? Are you okay?"

"I-I gotta go."

"Wh-"

Lucas hangs up and dashes to his window. He pushes it open, climbs out onto the tree for the first time in years. It doesn’t matter that he’s only wearing a singlet and basketball shorts—at this point, not even the cold wind can stop him. He cautiously toes his way across, trying to ignore his shaking legs (how does Renjun do this so gracefully?). The ledge under Renjun’s window isn’t very wide so Lucas has to balance on it, leaning his weight forward and gripping the edge of the window frame like his life depended on it. He urgently raps on the glass with his free hand. 

It takes a few minutes for a sleepy Renjun to appear at the window, visibly bewildered. He has one eye open as he fumbles to slide the pane upwards. Lucas’ heart is running a marathon, sprinting that last leg of the race, as the barrier between them finally disappears. 

“Xuxi?” Renjun mumbles, a hint of annoyance in his tone. “The fuc–”

It all happens too fast. 

Lucas grabs Renjun’s shoulders with both hands, closes his eyes, and pulls him forward to kiss him. A distressed squeak comes from Renjun's throat as their lips connect, and it all goes to hell when Renjun places his palms on Xuxi's chest and pushes. _Hard._

In hindsight, he really shouldn't have put all his weight on his toes because once he topples back, there's nothing balancing him. And that's exactly what happens. 

Lucas tries to grasp for something to hold onto but the window frame is too thin, too slippery. Renjun's eyes go wide in shock as Lucas falls back and he tries to grab his hand but misses by a hair's breadth. 

Lucas screams as his feet leave the tiny ledge and he plunges to his imminent death. This is it. His time has come. He’ll never graduate with Dejun and Yangyang and go on a trip to Europe like they wanted. He’ll never get to tell Renjun exactly how happy he makes him. He’ll never finish all those unfinished anime series. 

But despite all the panicking in his brain, the only thing he can actually focus on is how pillowy Renjun's lips felt against his. 

Lucas closes his eyes and prepares himself for the worst.

Something hits his back after a few seconds, not entirely solid enough to be the pavement knocking the wind out of him, but pain shoots up his left leg. Lucas opens his eyes to see that he landed on one of Mrs. Huang's flower bushes. 

"Xuxi!" Renjun peers down, worried. "Oh my gosh, are you okay?"

There's a scratch running up his calf, deep enough to draw some blood, but he's otherwise unharmed. He gives Renjun a thumbs up but the boy sees the wound and his eyes go wide.

"You're bleeding!" He hisses. Lucas is about to reassure him when Renjun crawls out of his window, climbs down the tree with practiced ease, and rushes to Lucas' side. 

"H-How…?" Lucas sputters, as Renjun helps him to stand. 

"You got a first aid kit in your house?" 

Lucas nods, doing his best to hobble around the fence. In hindsight, kissing your half-asleep crush while balancing outside his bedroom window at midnight was not a smart move at all. Definitely not on Lucas’ list of Top 5 Smoothest Moments. He glances down at Renjun who seems to be avoiding his gaze, ears a little pink.

Renjun tsks when he tries the front door and finds it unlocked. Lucas drapes himself down on his couch, grateful that he’d decided to clean the other day. Who knows what kind of a scolding Renjun would’ve given him if he hadn’t. 

“In the kitchen,” he tells Renjun, who’s rummaging around his hallway cabinet. After a while, he appears in front of Lucas with a bowl of water, a towel, and some bandages. 

“Idiot,” Renjun sighs, propping Lucas’ leg on a pillow as he gets to work. The scratch isn’t deep at all, but it stings when Renjun applies pressure to it. “I can’t believe you thought that was a good idea.”

Lucas sits quietly as Renjun rubs some ointment on the cleaned wound. He works so delicately, careful with every movement, treating Lucas like a doll that might break if he applies too much pressure.

“I didn’t think you were the type to write letter confessions, Jun.” He says it softly, expects Renjun to freeze or at least pause for a second. But he doesn’t. He places the bowl and towel on the coffee table and begins to bandage Lucas’ leg. The only indication of his feelings is the color that darkens on his cheeks.

Sometimes Lucas wishes that Renjun were a little more easy to read. He’s always so guarded and in control of his expressions. But perhaps that’s what intrigues Lucas. The mystery, the thrill when he discovers a new facet of Renjun’s emotions. 

The lamp flickers and with it, Renjun’s resolve.

“I thought it took a few weeks for Dejun to pick through all his requests,” he admits, still not looking up at Lucas. The admission seems to lift a weight from Renjun’s shoulders as he sits up straighter. “Sicheng was the one who encouraged me to submit it, actually.”

Lucas stifles his giggle at the name. “Did you know I was totally convinced that he was your boyfriend until like, five minutes ago?"

The scandalised expression on Renjun’s face is absolutely priceless. “What?”

"Yeah. I saw him kiss your forehead and close your bedroom curtains so I thought you guys were… um…" he trails off awkwardly. 

Renjun flushes a deep crimson. "Oh Lord." Lucas snickers as Renjun fumbles with the bowl of water, spilling some onto his rug. The string of muttered curse words that follow after are equally endearing.

"You never showed me a pic of him! How was I supposed to know?"

"He's _famous_ ," Renjun groaned. "I didn't think there was a need to." He finishes up the bandage and sighs deeply, pulling up an ottoman and taking a seat next to Lucas. 

“I called Sicheng-ge over because he was in town and I needed advice after the bingsu place thing.” He looks shy, holding a pillow to his chest as he explains. “He was really adamant that I do something. Drove me all the way to the broadcasting building, even. I really wanted to go and hand the letter in myself but I chickened out and he did it for me.”

Renjun bites his lip. “I was going to figure out how to subtly tell you over the next few days, or even weeks. Then by the time Dejun read my letter out loud, I’d be tuning in too. You’d look across at my window, I’d smile, and…” 

“And?” Lucas asks, grinning. 

Renjun swats at his shoulder. “I’d be prepared, at least. For dumbasses to come bumbling through my window for midnight kisses.”

“It was more romantic in my head.”

“So was my letter,” Renjun sighs, disappointed. “I’m not good at telling people how I feel about them, okay.”

"Well," Lucas reaches for Renjun's hands. "You can show me now." His wiggles his eyebrows cheekily. 

Renjun rolls his eyes but carefully climbs onto Lucas' lap, effectively straddling him. He looks great like this, in nothing but a white tee and worn out running shorts. He leans down, stroking Lucas' hair sweetly, tenderly. "Awfully confident for a guy who nearly freaked after a stupid cherry stem trick."

"Not gonna lie, that really sent me into a panic," he admits, twirling one of Renjun's long strands around his finger. A flicker of pride crosses Renjun's face and he smiles. 

"Good," he says, breath hot against his skin. Lucas needs him to hurry up and kiss him right now, because his heart is about to explode. "That was my intention." And with that last statement, Renjun finally, _finally_ closes the gap between their lips. 

Lucas feels his soul ascending to another dimension as Renjun presses closer. He barely manages to get out an "I'm so in love with you," before Renjun's mouth is back on his, tongue licking at his teeth, hands all over his shoulders and arms. Lucas flexes into Renjun's touch, just to show off a little bit, and the boy hums appreciatively.

He shifts them around so that Renjun's lying on the sofa now, hair mussed like a bird's nest. Funny how things work out, Lucas thinks. Just a few minutes ago he was being pushed off a windowsill and now he was on his couch, hovering over the boy he’s been crushing on forever. 

“What are you thinking about?” Renjun reaches up and caresses Lucas’ ear. 

Lucas lowers himself and pecks the tip of Renjun’s nose. “Just thinking about how chill we are about this whole thing. I’ve liked you for years, you know. We could’ve been together a long time ago.”

Renjun simply takes Lucas’ face into his hands, cups his cheeks, and says, “I guess we have a lot of catching up to do.” Lucas certainly doesn’t complain when Renjun pulls him in for a prolonged kiss, nor when he bites down on Lucas’ bottom lip and soothes it with his tongue. 

Minutes pass, Lucas and Renjun too immersed in touching and kissing each other to give a damn about the time of the night. Renjun is so smooth, so pliant, and he swallows every single noise that escapes Lucas' throat. It’s addicting. _He’s_ addicting. Lucas places a tentative touch on Renjun’s bare stomach and feels him shudder.

"Stop," he gasps, breaking for air, and for a second Lucas worries that he did something wrong. He starts to slide his hand out from under Renjun’s shirt but Renjun holds him there, gripping his wrist tight.

"Don't laugh," Renjun mumbles, cheeks pink. He looks uncharacteristically shy.

Lucas squeezes his waist reassuringly. "I won't."

Renjun inhales, chest heaving from his slight breathlessness. And in the quietest voice Lucas has ever heard Renjun use, 

"My heart's never beat this fast before." 

It's barely a whisper. Renjun's honest words float up to his ears and hook onto the strings of his heart, tugging Lucas down, down into an ocean of feelings that he never knew could go so deep. Lucas feels Renjun’s heartbeat under his long fingers and it’s pounding, a steady rhythm against his ribcage.

Renjun smacks Lucas' chest as he bursts into a grin and leans down to kiss his cheek. "You said you wouldn't!" His whole face is red now, blushing crimson like a poppy flower in spring. 

"I'm sorry, Junnie," Lucas noses into the crook of his neck, "But that's just so cute." He smells good. Has he always smelled this good? 

"I feel like I'm hallucinating," says Renjun as they shift over so that he's on top again. He traces around the shell of Lucas' right ear, along his defined jawline, up his chin, pressing into his plush lips as if confirming for himself that Lucas is tangible and not a figment of his imagination. 

"Maybe you are." Lucas grins, leaning Renjun's head against his chest. "Maybe I'm just a sexy apparition in one of your lust-induced states of delirium."

Renjun opens his mouth to retort but his words form into a yawn instead. He giggles, rubbing sleepily at his drooping eyes. Renjun wraps his arms around Lucas’ broad torso and makes himself comfortable, finding the perfect angle for his neck. Lucas places one large hand on the small of Renjun’s back, rubbing up and down over the knobs of his spine as his other finds its place in Renjun’s hair, gently scratching his scalp and smoothing the tangles. Renjun makes a sound, content, like a cats purr. 

If Renjun were a radio, then he wouldn't be a very good one. Mixed signals and odd frequencies, sometimes on all night but other times off for days. But as Renjun curls up into Lucas' chest and places the softest of kisses right above his fluttering heartbeat, Lucas hears his message loud and clear. No words needed, no room for misinterpretation. 

_Baby I'm yours (baby I'm yours)_

_And I'll be yours until the sun no longer shines_

_Yours until the poets run out of rhyme_

_In other words, until the end of time_

"Did you know that couples' heartbeats can synchronize when they look into each other's eyes?"

"Like, instantly?"

"No, like after three minutes or something." 

"We should try that sometime."

Being with Renjun is like a dream. Even after a week, Lucas can’t believe that he’s free to hold Renjun’s hand in public and hug him before they part for class. Dejun and Yangyang were incredulous when he told them about kissing Renjun and being pushed off his window, but they treated him for some expensive hotpot as a congratulations present. 

Renjun, on the other hand, is as sweet as can be. He's touchy, loves cuddles and sappy lines (which Lucas is more than happy to supply him with). Nothing much changes in their usual routine except that they make it a point to sleep over more often. Renjun's mother even walks in on them one morning and says "it's about time," before walking back out and inviting Lucas down for pancakes. 

As they walk across campus, hand in hand, Lucas feels like the luckiest guy on the planet. Renjun had agreed to go to the night carnival with him tonight and that's his sole motivation to get through the day (he really, _really_ wants to win Renjun a stuffed animal).

Lucas spots Dejun and Yangyang walking uphill, chatting amicably. Dejun spots him first and smiles widely, waving to the new couple. Yangyang looks over and wiggles his eyebrows.

"See you later, baobei." Lucas gives Renjun's hand a squeeze before heading towards his friends. He's only taken five strides when a voice interrupts.

"Xuxi," Renjun calls, "You forgot something!"

Lucas pats his pockets, checks if he left his keys or wallet behind, but they're all accounted for. He knows this. He made sure to double check before he left the house this morning.

“Hm?” He turns around and is surprised by Renjun's hands grasping his wrists. Renjun gives a sharp tug, pulling him forward, and Lucas gasps as Renjun meets him halfway and captures his lips in a sweet kiss.

"I'll pick you up after class, baby," is what Renjun whispers against his lips, an unmitigated attack against Lucas' weak defences. In his periphery, he sees Dejun and Yangyang snickering at his speechlessness. Somewhere out of his field of vision, people (who sound suspiciously like Donghyuck and Jaemin) whoop loudly for Renjun.

“五二零,” Renjun says softly. _520\. 我爱你. I love you._

Lucas bites his lip, plays with Renjun's fingers as he slowly pulls away. He doesn’t really want to let go. It’s as if the magic of the moment would dissipate as soon as he did. 

“一三一四,” is Lucas’ answer, accompanied by a loving grin. _1314\. 一生一世. For eternity._

Renjun glows, radiant and breathtaking in the golden sunlight, unabashed happiness written on his face for the world to see. The universe stops for a minute: barely any time for Lucas to comprehend how utterly and madly in love he is, but sufficient enough for him to etch the details of Renjun’s smile—his pearly teeth, the curve of his eyes, the precious little dimple that appears on his left cheek—on his warm, beating heart. 

If Lucas’ life were a story full of turning points and successive failures, then Renjun is the last chapter, the elements that tie it together. His relief, his calm after every storm.

His happy ending. 

**Author's Note:**

> the title of the fic comes from the typical naming of radio shows (AM vs FM but AM isn't used as much anymore and FM sounds better) + the 520 that renjun mentioned at the end of the fic (520 is number slang in mandarin for i love you because it sounds alike when you say it aloud)
> 
> this has been in progress for months, so imagine my surprise when renjun got his radio DJ job, and when chenji made the bingsu video (sorry they weren't in the fic tho).
> 
> I decided to make renjun confess via love letter because he's such a romantic irl. when I found out he thought love letters were romantic (proof: aug 21 radio show) I was over the MOON. 
> 
> leave your lovely comments/thoughts because i would love to hear them <3
> 
> mi [twitter](https://twitter.com/takadactyl)  
> 


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